Excuses? I’ve got about a million of them. I’ll do it when I have more money, more time, and more energy. I stare at a computer most of the day. This was the life that I literally wanted to avoid, run away from, and quite the opposite of what I pictured myself doing when I was five.

If I have learned anything over the last few years it is that I will not do anything because more time, more energy, and more money never comes around. Timing is never perfect to begin a business, or a blog, or to have a kid. I’ve been saying that I’m going to learn Spanish and write a book for years. I accept this as part of the human condition. After all, I am a human – a deeply flawed human. I’m trying to accept that, but its haaarrrrd, guys. I know this is a bit of a whiney post. I’m usually so cheerful and rah rah, but here is the truth. I am ashamed. I have a grandiose education, like so many of my colleagues, that I will be paying off for the rest of my life – short of an amazing book deal, product invention, a presidential sized speaking engagement fee. My other issue is that I have absolutely zero ownership interest in what I’m doing.

So I’m putting it out there because the last time I wrote a blog post about what I wanted in a man the universe provided me with my fiancé, Ben. That worked out REALLY REALLY well. So with my all-powerful manifesting abilities this is my oh so not specific, but kind of really specific request for a career. I want a career where I help people, ideally women. I want a job with flexibility so I can travel. I want it to be okay that I don’t have an Internet connection sometimes because I’m hanging out on the side of a wall or a mountain. Also, I want my opinion to be valued, and to be able to take action where necessary. I’ve never been a spectator in life; I certainly don’t intend to start down that track now. I want a business partner that I can talk through tough decisions with. Also, I want to make more money than I know what to do with because I would like problems that come with abundance and prosperity. Because I have seen scarcity, and while I have never lacked food, shelter, water, clothing – I have worried about over-drafting my bank account one too many times. Those are my parameters – help people, flexibility, located in LoDo Denver, and tons of money. Should be easy, right?

I started this blog post to write about excuses for not getting outside lately. I ran a 5k last weekend, and threw my back out a little bit. So I’m in recovery/rehab mode. The weekend before that it rained all weekend long. Also, I still have to paint two more rooms in my house. So yeah…Excuses. I don’t like them, but it is so easy to defer what we want to do.

Yes, this is a more brutally honest post than I would usually write. You know the one where I censor what comes out of my brain to showcase hard work, and the social media façade we all put forth. The truth is I’m human. I wasn’t meant to sit in an office for eight to ten to twelve hours a day writing briefs to judges (most of whom will likely never read them. Let’s be honest.) I don’t know what that means yet, but I’m working on it.

That doesn’t mean that I will only be following my happiness because I think that is bullshit. Happiness is an overly used term that people keep looking for outside themselves, but must be cultivated within like all those Buddhist mantras on my facebook feed say. The truth is that I’m generally a happy person, but I want to work on something that I’m genuinely EXCITED about. Because then like a friend once told me a piece a great piece of advice for relationships: “It shouldn’t be work, but effort.” It’s true. That makes all the difference.

I learned something else recently. Apathy is fear in sheep’s clothing. I’m really tired of being apathetic. Because the truth is that I’m really truly deeply afraid. I’m afraid of failure, afraid of judgment, afraid to try something /anything to change, and afraid of being seen. That’s a damn shame.   And it’s changing. Because eventually you get tired of being paralyzed and take action.

So that is my fact free Jerry Maguire manifesto for the day. Maybe I’ve listened to one too many Tim Ferris podcasts, or read too many self-help books lately, but I’m hoping someone out there will see this, and know that you aren’t alone in your cubicle/office of despair. I hope I will break out soon. If I do get out, I’ll try to help those in the same boat cross over onto the other side – like helping people cross the River Styx.